Saturday 22 March 2014

PRETTY HURTS

First of all. sorry for disappearing for a while. had this monster called CATs and Exams on my back. had a few mins to scribble this down....


Ah the beautiful woman. We all love to look at her, talk about her, wonder about her. She's got it all, right? The great job, beautiful friends, a date every night, men falling over themselves to be noticed and doors being opened for her -- both literally and figuratively.

Okay, let's face it. When we meet someone new a first impression is first about looks; only later do things such as personality, brains and character start to take on meaning. (A side note about beauty is that weight isn't much of a factor, unless the person is morbidly obese or anorexic-ally skinny. The key to perceived beauty is the face.) Daniel Hamermesh, author of Beauty Pays, is an economist. Collecting data from several countries and cultures, he has found that beauty is absolutely connected with success – well, at least financial success.

Companies that place a premium on hiring very attractive people had on average higher revenues than similar companies which did not. He says the public clearly rewards businesses with the beautiful faces. In The New York Times interview, Hamermesh found that for beautiful people in general, "Most of us, regardless of our professed attitudes, prefer as customers to buy from better-looking salespeople, as jurors to listen to better-looking attorneys, as voters to be led by better-looking politicians, as students to learn from better-looking professors."

Beautiful women have it even better and get away with things ordinary people can't. Try talking an officer out of a ticket, or walking in without a reservation and getting a table at that hot new restaurant or talking that male co-worker into helping you move some furniture. Beauty does make a difference. Beautiful women get more smiles, more handsome lovers and better treatment, and perhaps they expect it. Sometimes the beautiful woman has a bigger-than-life persona; higher than normal self esteem coupled with the feeling that she is special and deserves the best can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

The cycle is easy to see. The beautiful woman, constantly fawned upon, catered to, approached and presented with numerous options starts to see this as the norm. This sets up a powerful self image and expectations for the best. She starts expecting others to fawn, and expects things to be handed to her on a silver platter -- a princess syndrome, of sorts. She is the center of attention, and everyone else is of little importance. The power of positive thinking at work.

So, it’s all good right? Beauty is the bomb and those lucky enough to have it are the equivalent of genetic lottery winners. Nope, all that glitters is not……..beautiful. As with most things, there's a downside. Some would even say a dark side to beauty. How some beautiful women view themselves can border on obsessive. They cherish their looks and play them to the hilt, but if they find a blemish, a wrinkle or a flaw, it can throw them into a panic. It can even have them inquiring around for a good plastic surgeon, new dietician or workout guru.

Low self esteem is more common in beautiful women than you would expect. Some just don’t believe they are attractive. They have a distorted self image and don’t believe others who tell them how stunning they are. Thus in their mind everyone is a “liar” and not to be trusted. Some are dependent on the first impression reaction of others to define who they are, ie someone who has it all because of her beauty. So, she starts to see herself as someone with no talent, no intellect -- no redeeming qualities other than her looks.

Then there are the beauties that are truly shy, or to protect themselves from constant harassment, they withdraw. Unfortunately, they can come across as aloof, stuck up, snooty and even arrogant. If we take the time to get to know her instead of condemn her, we might find out she's really kind, conscientious, caring... and perhaps just a little bit shy. It's almost as if we're subconsciously -- or for some maybe even consciously -- looking for a reason to treat her as less than a person.

If she's beautiful, a new study says, there is often a hidden selfish streak. She's lucky and she knows it, and she will consciously -- or subconsciously -- use her looks to her advantage any way she can. As stated in It's Fine For Women In Politics To Use Their Looks To Get Ahead, we all have our own talents, skills, abilities..... and looks. If a beautiful woman wants to use her beauty to propel herself ahead in the polls, then why not? If she's elected, whose fault is that?

Are beautiful women taken seriously? Research has shown that when women and men look at gorgeous women's success, they immediately tend to credit their success to their looks, and not any talents or brains they may possess. Actually, beauty has both positive and negative effects on us. Chances are she'll be taken more seriously by a male, but not by much. If she's being scrutinized and considered by other women, then the highly attractive woman is at a big disadvantage.

Probably the most difficult thing a beautiful woman has to deal with is social rejection. When it comes to members of her own sex she is often an outcast. As listed by the Top 10 Things that make a woman threatening to other women, the #1 threat is beauty. Whether it's true or not, other women perceive the beauty as a threat to steal their man away. They may not trust their spouse/boyfriend/lover in the presence of such beauty, and simply prefer to reject her instead.

Meanwhile the men think what the heck, what chance do I have with a woman like that? All too often folks think she has it all, and she must already be taken. Plus, what chance would the average Joe have anyway? She can have anyone she wants, someone with money, fame and looks. In essence, the men are intimidated and prefer to stare from afar rather than approach.

Another study shows it isn’t cheap to be a beautiful woman. They spend about one third of their income on maintaining those good looks. I'm all for taking care of yourself and trying to look your best. But, many of these women are spending money they don't have on creams, diets, products and cosmetic surgery. High fashion magazines feel they need to Photoshop even the most gorgeous of models, so does that put even more pressure on the beautiful woman to keep up appearances? After all, in her mind that may be all she has going for her, thus money is no object when it buys self esteem.

So, there is good and bad with beauty and the real question is what exactly determines which woman will parlay it into success and which will succumb to the dark side? The answer is quite simple. Beauty is an asset, just like physical prowess, charisma, brains or emotional intelligence. The key with any gift is in the way that you use it. It doesn’t define you as a person. Rather, it’s an asset to be used judiciously and with an understanding of how it is just a small part of who you are. Those that get this will do well; others that don’t, not so much.

As with most things beauty can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. As Penelope Lively said, "I'm intrigued by the way in which physical appearance can often direct a person's life; things happen differently for a beautiful woman than for a plain one." Different yes, but not necessarily better. So, the next time you see a stunningly beautiful woman,.... enjoy the view, but don't judge her because she's beautiful

Friday 27 January 2012

THE BOYFRIEND BLAZER

Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The KGRB understands this, and we’re here to help.


This week’s question comes from Jake, a reader in Kenya…


“I’ve been dating this really awesome girl and I can honestly say I’m in love with her. She is so great, but all of her friends are guys. I trust her, but I don’t trust these guys and I feel like she needs to stop hanging out with them. Am I crazy?”
First of all, you are not crazy to feel the way you do. You obviously love your girlfriend and you realize that anyone with a brain would want to steal her from you.
This is a hard one because there is no easy answer. I am going to assume that these aren’t life long friends she’s had since childhood. If they are, get a grip and seek therapy.
I have had tons of guy friends in my life that I was devastated to give up for relationships. I would say that the majority of the male friends in my life were guys that I never hooked up with or was attracted to, but I am willing to believe that most friendships between men and women spring from one person having interest in the other, even if nothing ever comes of it.
This is such a hard situation to deal with because you risk coming off like a possessive, jealous freak. Don’t let that happen. Ultimatums don’t work with women, especially early on, so don’t make her choose between you and her friends. Putting her in a situation where she has to sneak around to see her friends is just creating an even worse problem. The good news is there will probably be a natural separation between her and her guy friends over time as your relationship becomes more serious. This will almost always be the case if you make sure you make yourself available to her when she wants to talk or when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Don’t give her an opportunity to run back to Team Eddie Cibrian for comfort.
Let me tell you the turning point in my life. I fell in love with a guy who had a lot of girl friends. It was horrifying. Literally scared the shit out of me. Of course I never let on because I am a strong, confident woman (I killed every last one of them) but over time they phased out because I was fulfilling all of his needs, as a girlfriend and a friend.
Jake, the best thing I can suggest to you is patience. You certainly can’t tell people who they can be friends with, you can only hope that as your relationship progresses, these guys will be left behind.


Adam  Make no mistake, this is bad, Jake. Really bad. I don’t know your girlfriend (or do I?) so I can’t really comment on her side of things. But I am a guy, no matter what the tickets I bought to see Katy Perry in September may imply, so I think I’m pretty well qualified to speak on the subject.
But you don’t need me to tell you, because you already know…guys don’t hang out with women just for the hell of it. There are always exceptions, of course, but even then the guy will make a move if the opportunity presents itself. Women will swear up and down that this is not the case. Women are wrong. So wrong.
But you already know this. That’s why you’re concerned. And that’s why you’ve come to us. Don’t fret, Jake, I’ve got you covered.
Now, you can’t just tell your girlfriend that she can’t hang out with these guy friends. That’s going to look six shades of wrong. She’ll just think you don’t trust her or are insecure or whatever. That’s no good.
Instead, I’m going to recommend the same course of action that I did back when the question of came up. Infiltrate the circle of friends and destroy from within.
But it’s slightly different this time. With the girlfriends I was just suggesting that you neutralize their catty ways. That’s not going to do the trick here. You need to be focused on full on destruction here. Annihilation. Show no mercy. Take no prisoners. Party like it’s 2012. All of that shit.
First, ask if you can meet these guy friends. If there’s nothing suspect going on, that certainly shouldn’t be a problem. When the meeting happens, keep your sex rage in check and do whatever you must to get in good with these guy friends. Your goal is to set up some hangout time with them away from your girlfriend. If that means you have to pretend to be into hockey or something awful like that, it’s just what you have to do.
With your man dates set up, take a double fisted approach to the problem. First, make sure you persuade these guy friends into doing as much debauched shit as you can think of. Don’t hide it from your girlfriend after the fact. Share your tales of drunken excess with her and make sure to mention how much fun you had. Tell her you can’t WAIT to see those guys again! Not only will this make her want to keep you from hanging out with them again, it should drastically change her opinion of those guy friends.
If it doesn’t, plant some seeds. Mention how her beloved friend Biff (or whatever his asshole name is) is a total jerk to waitresses and bad mouths his girlfriend when she’s not around. It’s a strict violation of guy code to do this kind of stuff, but you can’t be worried about that right now. Show no mercy!
With a little deception, you should be able to shake those guy friends loose with no problem