Saturday, 6 August 2011

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NAIROBI

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NAIROBI

Married or older women are the most controversial kind of people there is. But the ones from Kenya's capital are even more intriguing. This in an in depth analysis of these kinds of women from Nairobi.

MAMA PIMA MBOGA
This woman is a real hustle.Her hubby is some dead beat guy who is either too lazy to work or is lost his job because of his excessive drinking. She probably has a horde of kids and miraculously sends them all to school. She has borrowed from every shop within her reach. She owns that small kiosk that sells greens or has a small hotel that she cooks for construction workers. Her hubby is always goes missing in action on Friday evening and is found in a nearby ditch totally drunk and messed on himself.

MAMA CHAMA.
This is the woman everybody in the estate fears. She is the head of the local women's chama and her hubby is probably some rich bloke who funds her reign of terror. Her friends are just a bunch of parrots who agree on everything she says and are too scared to question her. She is the kind to mistreat her house help and can be easily mistaken for a Nigerian woman. She cares more about social status than anything else. She is very vain and will most probably make her husband bankrupt

MAMA PLOT
She is the extremely nosy woman living in your plot. She knows everything about you and your husbands marital problems and usually send her son to spy on you. Her windows are always open so that she can listen in on peoples conversations. She lives right nest to the main gate so that she can see all the people who are entering and leaving her house. She is so preoccupied with other peoples lives that she fails to notice that her husband is already shacking up with the help

MAMA BOI
This is the woman who cannot live without a maid. she is rarely seen at home and her kids are usually raised by the maid. Since the maid has more interest in chatting up the watchman, the kids are usually left unattended to and are seen wandering everywhere in the estate. She is probably a young woman moving up the career ladder or just too young to know better. She is the woman who you saw on KTN whose kid was stolen by the house help.

SUGAR MAMA
This is the rich old lady whose hubby just died. She drives a sauced up beamer. She has expensive tastes and loves the company of young men. She is the official cougar in the hood. Young women are scared of her because they know how easily she can get their boyfriends. She has no morals and the only force that drives her is not grief, but her ever growing libido

BABY MAMA
She is the woman who thought it was a good idea to trap a guy into marriage by having his baby. She is either married. Or happily scaring off any woman who shows interest in her baby's dad. Should you marry this woman's hubby, yours will be a life filled with so much drama only found on crappy soap operas.

MAMA PIMA
She is the lady who owns an illegal liquor breweries in her house. She makes illegal liquor at the back yard of her house. Every changaa ridden man in the area swears by her and claim that she makes the best changaa in the area. She has been operating this business for decades now and has surprisingly never been arrested. Maybe the fact that some officers are her customers and get free drinks is a plus. she is responsible for growing number of people loosing their sight. good thing she has a blind persons discount.

MADAM
She is the weird looking woman who runs a brothel in her house. She takes young innocent girls from the upcountry and lures them into the trade.A former call girl herself, she is unmarried and mostly spend her days drinking and smoking. Her compound is filled with scantly clad young girls. Big cars roll in and out of her compound. Her clients include very rich men. You are relieved to hear that she has been arrested for soliciting prostitution. Then you find out your hubby was on her regular clientele list.

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOP-A-HOLIC

If there is one think i can spend my whole salary on is clothes. I love shopping. But i am a conscious buyer. I always shop for bargains and sales and discounts. So, if u wanna shop on a budget, i am gonna list you down the best places u can get your money's worth and what to buy, when to buy it.

MR.PRICE....WHERE THE PRICE IS NOT RIGHT


i don't like the store. Never have, never will. They charge crazy prices for the most stupid things. Take for example a woolen Marvin. That thing  costs 1,100. U can buy the same thing brand new downtown for 200. Granted, its a Kenyan uniform and most probably 50percent of the Kenyan population has it. Am not a fan of having the same outfit as a scholar. So if Ur more into the whole unique look, u can head down to muthurwa and get that Marvin second hand and for as low as 100shs. They always have these Price to go sales every now and then. But thing is, those clothes are either too hideous, too worn out or just not worth being used as rags. Why should i buy a top for as mush as 2200 when i can get a prettier one of much better quality at 300bob?


WHERE TO BUY...THE ACCESSORIES
OK. i get the whole proud of your heritage crap but that doesn't mean u walk around looking like Ur wearing dried beans in your ears. The whole African accessories look is SO last season. Don't get stuck in a trend. And in any case, walking around looking like i have on plastic jewellery never jazzed me. So, looking for some really classy accessories? Check out moi avenue. There is this stall right next to Union towers past The beauty cosmetics shop. These guys are know their stuff. Their pieces are sooo original and long lasting. Granted, they are a bit more expensive than the regular stuff. But its nothing that will make you miss paying your rent


GARRISA LODGE.....WHAT U DIDN'T KNOW

Most people shop at garrissa lodge. But what most people don't know is how and where to shop at Garrissa. Most clothing stores and exhibitions in town buy their stock from wholesale shops at garrissa. There are two types of cloth vendors at garrissa. Whole sellers who only sell in bulk and retailers who sell singular clothes. I my dear friend only buy from the wholesale shops. Nope, i don't buy clothes in bulk. I just go to the whole sellers and strike up a deal. I see a dress i like and try to get the guy to sell it to me. Most of them refuse to sell. But you will always get one guy who wont pass up an offer to make a buck. OK. so here are some items which you should not buy more than the price i have listed
jeans-750
girl tops-500
poncho-1200
small shirts-450
dresses-900
trench coats-1500
if u buy those cheap shoes outside the stalls that cost around 300, you are in for a real shocker. They are of such poor quality that they will snap with two wears. buy your shoes in  those corner shops that exclusively deal with shoes. U will get gladiator heels for about 1600 and stilettos for 1800
handbags in garrissa are just too damn expensive. but they are cute and of good quality. 
so, if u haven't been to garrissa, just board a number 17 bus and head on there. Mark u, make sure u have Ur money safely tucked away and u dress down. That route is crazy. So, go to garissa and support our ever growing population of illegal aliens who don't pay taxes.


TOWN NIGHT MARKET
It is illegal to hawk in town. But that has never stopped our very aggressive Kikuyu brothers and sister from stalking the streets at night. These hawkers will show up at around 9 and usually keep the police force fit from all the running around with chasing them. This game of cops and robbers is usually noted when you see an old woman running around in town with a huge gunia on her back. I love town hawkers. Every good shoe i have i bought from them. Plus the belts. Let me not even get started. You will get a really strong beautiful leather belt for as low as 100bob. Plus they also sell really cool novels ranging from romance to motivational to magazines. The hawkers in uptown are really expensive. Mostly situated outside Betty's club, Maggie's or behind the Norwich towers. They sell their shoes fro 1000- 1500 bob. Too high a price for something you bought on the sidewalk. I know there are also hawkers around Odeon but that place is too dark for me to go alone. We went with a pal of mine there, and we were just too scared to go down there.


EXHIBITIONS.
I have nothing good to say about buying stuff at exhibitions in town. Only stupid people do that. Why buy something so mediocre like a shirt for as much as 1200 when you can get the exact same thing from garrissa at 400? why?  The only thing you should buy in town is fast food and those pirated movies for 50bob. Example, if you go shop at the exhibitions around the bazaar, you will be stunned. Kwanza they are owned by these silly Indians who wont talk to black people. F you! this country is ours. Keep away from this old Indian woman with brown specs. She is very rude and doesn't like it when you touch stuff. I highly suspect the Bras and the panties they sell there are second hand and probably formerly owned by that old hag. Coz they they are so hideous that she is the only one who can possibly have worn them. Plus they smell like her. I can recognise that cheap perfume a mile away. 4 real. This topic is not even worth me arguing about. I rest my case.


MAASAI MARKET
a way for Kenyans to get back the money stolen from them during the colonial days from the whites. Am telling you, these guys are ripped off like no ones business. If you just hear the prices these white people buy for stuff u will be wondering if they will be getting a title deed with it. But seriously. This place knows how to make the African style look cool. Buy some bracelets and and bangles to complete your look. Plus their safari themes shirts are really trendy. If you don't have a Kenyan flag shirt then shame on you. These really come in handy during rugby season. Who dares go to the Black rock or Safari sevens without a Kenyan flag shirt? U will look like a Gor fan lost central province. Yap. that awkward.


THE GREAT RIFT VALLEY VIEW POINT
If Ur heading to nakuru or anywhere those sides, make sure to stop by this place and buy something. You will find some really friendly Maasai selling stuff from animal skin hats to beaded accessories. Make a point of buying the animal skin hats. Granted, you cannot wear them anywhere. But just think how cool Ur profile pic will look if u take a pic in it. Make sure to leave your initials in the wooden fences around there. Its kind of a tradition. Will be heading there next week and will get to see if the initials i left 5 years ago are still there.


So, people. Get your shopping caps on. And remember....money cant buy you love, but it sure can buy you a nice pair of shoes.