Saturday 31 December 2011

THE REAL AFRICAN MEN

Recently, a Ugandan junior elder, also one of the region’s more cerebral journalists, published an article outlining 13 items that he believed define an East African man. I am still shocked that a man of his stature missed the mark so widely.
His list included an overcoat, a wallet, Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, a white shirt, and sandals. Amazingly, he forgot the two things that an African man must have — a potbelly and a wife. 

That is what happens when an elder attempts to whisper wisdom before fortifying his faculties with snuff and local brew.
In these parts, if you do not have a woman in the house, you are nothing. Don’t tell us about your three degrees from the University of London. If you don’t have a wife, shut up and get lost.
Yes, get a wife. Many wives are better. And kindly install a mistress in the lodgings behind the local bar, too. 

But to get married around here, you must have access to something else that defines an African man: Livestock. If you don’t own a cow, your virility is zero. Museveni’s shamba boy owns one and so does the president. You get my drift? 

Multiply 
But assuming you own livestock and consequently put a woman in the house, it follows that she must multiply rapidly. Thus, you cannot purport to be a man when you have two tiny children. The more the merrier. It also enhances your maleness considerably if they are scattered across several mothers, clans, tribes, counties, races and countries.
Children are, however, tricky because they feed like termites. That’s why a true African man must own a piece of land. He can grab it, buy it, steal it — we don’t really care for the details, but he must own land and a burial spot. The more pieces of land he owns, even if they were hived off public toilets, the better. 

Black suit 
Incredibly, while the junior Ugandan elder, also a senior journalist, mentioned an overcoat and a white shirt as a must-have, he forgot a suit. Beats me how he intends to visit his father-in-law wearing nothing but an overcoat and sandals. My brother, even if your in-law lives in hot Mombasa, get there in a black suit.
Maddeningly, the journalist also mentioned a Swiss knife. Lord, how would any serious man defend his cow from cattle rustlers with a Swiss knife? 

Somali sword 
A man must have an arsenal beneath his bed, anything from nyahunyo (rubber whip), bows and arrows, Somali swords, knobkerries and, if he’s a total man, an AK47 rifle. Dogs are also vital. I’m sure you have seen men carrying leftover bones from dingy bars into their Rangerovers.
Finally, a true African owns a bungalow in the village in which rats live like kings while he lives like a rat in a rented hovel in the city.
For reading, he owns a Bible, which he never reads, and a gutter press newspaper, which he studies like the Bible.
Welcome to Africa!

1 comment:

Sugar Mummy Dating Kenya said...

I am a man and don't believe any of that