Saturday 31 December 2011

WORST PICK UP LINES EVER USED

An ugly woman can walk around a neighbourhood and hardly attract men's interest. However, a pretty woman, even if all covered up, will make men sprain their necks as they look over their shoulders when she swaggers by.
And you can bet that such a woman will be accosted by wayward men who don’t have a clue how to approach a woman.
Here are some of the dumb pick up lines she is likely to hear.
. Safaricom announced that today is ‘exchange the number’ day; please give me your number.
. I dreamt about you last night, please make my dream come true and come to my house.
. Your daddy must have been a terrorist, ’cause your body is the bomb.
. The only smile I have seen today is a smile from my toothless grandmother; please smile to remind me how a real smile looks like.
. Your shadow is complaining. A fine lady like you doesn’t deserve to walk alone, let me give you company.
. Just shake my hand and extend my life by a day.
. Girl, you have set me on fire, kiss me and cool me down.
. Some women were born and others came from heaven, and you are one of them. Ask me how I know.
. I don’t know what you are looking for in this neighbourhood, but whatever it is you have found it. Here I am.
. You are a goddess; I just wanna get on my knees and start pleasing you.
. You got me speaking a foreign language but when we will go home, I will take you to a foreign country.
Your finger needs a wedding ring, come to my house ‘cause I got one that belonged to my great grandmother.
Girl, you are hot, let me take you to my bed and you warm it.
I got a dishwasher and a cook; the only thing missing is a missus.
The Bible says, ‘Ask and you shall receive’. Will you give me what mama gave you?
If you were to give me a chance, you won’t keep changing your last name.

THE REAL AFRICAN MEN

Recently, a Ugandan junior elder, also one of the region’s more cerebral journalists, published an article outlining 13 items that he believed define an East African man. I am still shocked that a man of his stature missed the mark so widely.
His list included an overcoat, a wallet, Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, a white shirt, and sandals. Amazingly, he forgot the two things that an African man must have — a potbelly and a wife. 

That is what happens when an elder attempts to whisper wisdom before fortifying his faculties with snuff and local brew.
In these parts, if you do not have a woman in the house, you are nothing. Don’t tell us about your three degrees from the University of London. If you don’t have a wife, shut up and get lost.
Yes, get a wife. Many wives are better. And kindly install a mistress in the lodgings behind the local bar, too. 

But to get married around here, you must have access to something else that defines an African man: Livestock. If you don’t own a cow, your virility is zero. Museveni’s shamba boy owns one and so does the president. You get my drift? 

Multiply 
But assuming you own livestock and consequently put a woman in the house, it follows that she must multiply rapidly. Thus, you cannot purport to be a man when you have two tiny children. The more the merrier. It also enhances your maleness considerably if they are scattered across several mothers, clans, tribes, counties, races and countries.
Children are, however, tricky because they feed like termites. That’s why a true African man must own a piece of land. He can grab it, buy it, steal it — we don’t really care for the details, but he must own land and a burial spot. The more pieces of land he owns, even if they were hived off public toilets, the better. 

Black suit 
Incredibly, while the junior Ugandan elder, also a senior journalist, mentioned an overcoat and a white shirt as a must-have, he forgot a suit. Beats me how he intends to visit his father-in-law wearing nothing but an overcoat and sandals. My brother, even if your in-law lives in hot Mombasa, get there in a black suit.
Maddeningly, the journalist also mentioned a Swiss knife. Lord, how would any serious man defend his cow from cattle rustlers with a Swiss knife? 

Somali sword 
A man must have an arsenal beneath his bed, anything from nyahunyo (rubber whip), bows and arrows, Somali swords, knobkerries and, if he’s a total man, an AK47 rifle. Dogs are also vital. I’m sure you have seen men carrying leftover bones from dingy bars into their Rangerovers.
Finally, a true African owns a bungalow in the village in which rats live like kings while he lives like a rat in a rented hovel in the city.
For reading, he owns a Bible, which he never reads, and a gutter press newspaper, which he studies like the Bible.
Welcome to Africa!

CRAZY STOROS 1

If you think scandal and drama only happen in remote villages and in Eastlands, you are mistaken. The dung also hits the fan in Kileleshwa and Lavington, too.
It is just that these loaded folks know how to keep their dirty linen firmly in the laundry basket, unlike the rest of us who wash and air it in the open.
Thanks to the gated homes that guarantee the owners maximum security and privacy, drama in the suburbs is high-tech but ultra secret, unless you are a watchmen or house girl in the know.
I am a full-blown Eastlander so you are wondering how I got wind of this juicy soap opera. I have a friend who is a "squatter" among the high and mighty. She lives in a pint-sized Sh15,000 servant quarters in Kileleshwa instead of putting up in filth and murk in a two-bedroomed house in Eastlands. 

Verbal disputes
 So it happens my friend’s landlord, who happens to live in the main house, recently busted her husband with his gay lover in their marital bed.
What really happened is the couple has been together for less than a year, but their matrimony has been far from holy going by the number of verbal disputes sorted out on the balcony of their expansive bedroom.
The marriage was not as blissful as the wedding, which is said to have cost a tidy sum and was as lavish as they come. But that is not surprising because, as they say, the more posh the wedding, the shorter it lasts.
Mr Okinyi was a businessman while Mrs Okinyi was a top honcho in a blue chip company, so she was always working late. The hubby, who operated from home, had a suspiciously flexible work schedule and a close confidant and business partner. 

It seems this relationship went beyond business as the truth was the two were actually lovers. 

Watchman 
So one day, the wife came back home unusually early. My friend also happened to be around as she was on leave.
The watchman, being the man’s ally, tried to signal him that things were getting elephant, but Okinyi’s phone was off. As the woman made her way upstairs to freshen up, the watchman tried to distract her attention using flimsy excuses.
"Madam usiende juu, mzee ako busy sana na kazi. Alisema asisumbuliwe (Madam please your husband is working on a serious project and he said nobody should disturb him)," pleaded the watchman.

But Mrs Okinyi, a no-nonsense woman who calls the shots at work, pushed the watchman aside and made her way to the bedroom.

The door was ajar. What she saw made her regret the day she said ‘I do’. She left in a huff only to come after a few weeks to collect her stuff. Later on, she filed for divorce and the matter is still pending in the family court.

RISE AND FALL OF THE AFRICAN MEN

Folklore has the story of a long-suffering husband whose sly wife constantly beat him up in the cover of darkness while screaming, "Don’t kill me!"
His brothers never came to his aid because they assumed he was the one meting out manly ‘discipline’. Meanwhile, she retained the picture of victim to the sympathetic outside world while remaining in firm control of the goings-on in her home. The man could not come out in the open and express his tribulations. No one would believe him anyway.
Such is the agony that plagues many Kenyan men. As women push for affirmative action and the application of the two-thirds gender rule in all the public spheres of life, the reality is that many married men have long lost the battle on the home front.
Anyona, who has been married for a year, is one such tormented man. He is perturbed by his wife’s abrupt change in behaviour. When the two moved in together before they walked down the aisle, Silivia Atenya, Anyona’s wife, would insist on doing every house chore. She never wanted his help.


Duty roster
 So one would understand his shock when he went to the fridge recently to get his preferred cold drink only to find a duty roster pinned on the door. At first, he thought it was a joke and dismissed it off-hand. He looked at it closely, went to fetch his spectacles and removed the printed duty roster from the fridge for a closer look. He couldn’t believe his eyes.
What bothered Anyona was he was never consulted. Besides, they were only the two of them in the house since they had no children. He decided to call his wife’s bluff. This, after all, was the festive season and people were in fun-poking mood, he thought. He was wrong.
"How do you expect me to come home tired from work, cook for you, wash the dirty utensils, mop the house, then go to bed tired and wake up to prepare breakfast and arrange your clothes, yet you only come home to re-read your newspapers?" scoffed his not-so-amused wife when he waved the offensive document in her face.
Anyona was so mad that he walked out to drown his fury in a few bottles of beer. It is while at the bar that the coup back home played itself out in his mind in excruciating detail, bit by bit as he sipped his favourite lager. He had long lost control and was living at the mercy of Silivia. Then it hit him that of late, his conjugal rights were rationed, on her terms.
If she wasn’t too tired, she had a severe headache. If she didn’t have a headache, she was on her periods, even when he was sure she wasn’t.
But that had never been the case before they got married. Then she never complained. In fact, whenever he offered to help with the chores, she would lovingly hug and ask him to rest.


Woman of the house 
"I know you are tired, darling. Just rest and watch news. I can handle this!" she would say, adding that as the ‘woman of the house’ it was her duty to oversee such ‘small’ chores. And now, of all things, a duty roster?
Anyona is in good company. Yet for all their beef about coming from work tired, many men are saddled with wives who never spend a penny of their salary, not even on their medication. Such are the wives who send children to collect money from their fathers for the smallest of things. "Ask your father to give you Sh20," is a common statement in many households. Just where do these women take their money?
When you ask around, women say times have changed and they no longer live in the Stone Age where they were looked upon as cheap labour for men. They are first of all wives, not househelps, and that they deserve to be treated as such.
In the kind of doublespeak that would dumbfound a politician, the modern Kenyan woman — even as she swirls empowerment, equality, equal opportunity and all other high-sounding vowels on her tongue like fine wine — will remain firm about one thing: it is the unconditional duty of the man to provide food, clothing and shelter.
Apparently, the wedding vow of ‘two shall become one’ only applies to his wallet and never her designer handbag.
No matter the situation, wives will leave all the bills to the man, even in these harsh economic times, as Joash Oyoo attests.
"When I lost my job, I had to borrow loans from close friends to settle the house rent and pay all the house bills even though my wife still had her job. She would come back empty handed from work and demand for food," says Oyoo.


Independent woman 
The ‘man is the head of the family’ phrase is often used by the self-same independent modern women only when it comes to financial obligations like school fees, her salon bills, the mortgage, buying her car, fuelling it and servicing it.
"His money is my money, but my money can never be ours. Why then would I need a man when I’m going to continue supporting myself?" wonders Fridah, a non-remorseful executive secretary who earns a six-digit salary.
To her, her husband’s money is basically her money and she has the right over it. She needs to know how he spends every penny but there is no way her husband is going to control her purse.
"No self-respecting man does that," she adds, unwittingly oblivious of the irony of her statement
Fridah says she walks home empty handed because her husband, as the head of the family, must provide for the family. When asked who pays the rent, she quickly says, "Of course him. That is his duty. He must provide food, shelter and clothing as the head of the family."
The paradox, however, is that while the man is expected to ‘man up’ to his traditional role as head of the house, today’s woman will deem it demeaning to expect her to do those menial tasks that her grandmother gladly undertook. Like to know where his shirt, washed by the house help whom he pays but can’t instruct, is.

Aunts 
But across the border, the equally modern Ugandan woman is apparently taught by her aunts how to make her man happy and loving throughout the marriage, much the same way her mothers and grandmothers were taught.
"I cannot let my man come home and start doing house chores. That’s my duty," gloated one 20-something-year-old Ugandan woman who works for a local communications firm.
Instead of combat, ultimatums and duty rosters, these women are famously submissive and will do anything to keep the love flowing, which effectively charms the man into opening his wallet.
That must be Stone Age news from this ‘developed’ side of the border where the woman of the house will come home decidedly tired, put up her feet, grab the TV remote and flip to her favourite soap opera. 


Skirmish 
In many such households, a man cannot lend his best friend Sh1,000 without consulting his wife. So picture the skirmish that would ensure if he sold ‘his’ car and bought another without seeking her views.
Other men are so emasculated that every movement they make is tracked via mobile phone and they practically shiver if 9pm finds them away from home.
No one opens the door for them, and in worst-case scenarios, they sleep in the cold when they come late. Yes, the golden era when the African man bestrode his homestead like a colossus is dead and buried.
Instead, spineless fellows who fearfully refer to their wives as ‘madam’ have replaced the tough men of old. And the worst, as they say, is yet to come.

Friday 30 December 2011

DEGREES THAT DONT

The nascent academic capitalism in Sub-Saharan Africa is becoming the ugly face of education, with universities side-stepping quality and effectively locking out students from developing rewarding careers.
According to Dr Carol Bidemi, an expert on higher education, aggressive marketing of university degrees has taken priority against quality teaching and research in order to harness finances to fuel university growth.
Bidemi argues market values have permeated at all levels of higher education in Sub-Saharan Africa, undermining traditional roles and missions of universities.
"None of this augurs well for a public good construction of higher education," says Bidemi, who has written extensively on marketing of higher education in East Africa.
In the context of diminished Government support for higher education, entrepreneurial strategies have been embraced but with drastic consequences of academic erosion in addition to attracting students of low academic achievement.
"Although the goal was to raise additional funds for the universities, the process has altered the behavior of individuals and groups within and outside the university," says Bidemi.
Amid efforts to attract students, universities started competing against each other and forgot their original mission, distorting their areas of academic excellence.
Almost all universities created new undergraduate and postgraduate degree programmes, even as they lacked capacity in terms of lecturers and physical facilities. To look attractive, degrees were re-branded and given new names.
For instance, secretarial, catering and hospitality courses were given a facelift and became degrees, while diploma courses traditionally offered in vocational colleges and medium-level business colleges found new homes and new status in universities.
However, the most tragic was in the field of engineering where some public universities in their quest to be attractive started courses without sufficient planning and without adequate human resources and facilities. The outcome has been costly to students, whom after five years of study, realise they cannot be considered for registration as engineers.
There are questions as to why some universities went ahead to admit students even after knowing degrees they offer could not be accredited by the Engineering Registration Board (ERB).
So far, there are 47 engineering degree programmes not accredited by ERB for various reasons. According to an ERB report on accreditation of the engineering degree courses, most programmes were rejected for inadequate curriculum.
Others were rejected for using non-engineers to teach engineering courses. For instance, one university offering a Bachelor of Science (Civil and Structural Engineering), has 11 lecturers but only one is a registered engineer. In that university, some engineering course units are taught by geologists, surveyors and home economists.
Another university offering a degree related to civil engineering has no engineer in a department of 10 lecturers.
"Since there is no civil engineering department, why is a programme in water and environment engineering being introduced before one in civil engineering?" poses ERB report.
According to ERB, the university in question should have established a fully-fledged department of civil engineering offering broad-based undergraduate degrees in civil engineering.
"Starting with a specialised discipline when the resources required for a less specialized one is not available, is not a prudent move," says ERB. Such are some of the problems confronting engineering students whose degrees have not been accredited by the board.
Accredited degreesSome Egerton University graduates have gone to court, seeking orders to compel ERB and the university to find ways of having their degrees accredited.
In the last few weeks, engineering students of Masinde Muliro University of Science and Technology have been on strike urging the university to meet ERB�s accreditation criteria.
But as students struggle to have their degrees accredited, universities are at pains to take responsibility and explain why they teach courses that do not meet set standards.
The crux of the matter is that whereas students desire to study for professional degrees, universities have a moral duty to explain career paths of the degrees they offer.
Elsewhere, universities place information on their websites as to whether a specific degree programme is accredited by the local professional authority.
Such is the case in Britain, US, Australia, Japan and South Africa, where universities are required to reveal accreditation status of their professional degrees.
Surprisingly, the Government has not acted fast. So far, the country has only 1,200 registered engineers despite a raft of engineering degree programmes offered in public universities.
Nola Dihel, a labor specialist at the World Bank, says density of engineering professionals has been on a downward trend as professional education is expensive.
Considering that the Government is the main sponsor of students in public universities who join through the Joint Admissions Board, there is need for audit of professional degree programmes in public universities.
Many agree it would be foolhardy to arm-twist ERB to accredit engineering programmes that cannot withstand scrutiny of quality.

CAMPUS POLITICS

Campus politics are a lot like the national politics. They are cutthroat, murky and marred with allegations of corruption, hooliganism and riots.
According to some of the University of Nairobi (UoN) student leaders interviewed, the process of electing student leaders is expensive and time consuming. To stand a chance of being elected at the UoN for example, one must campaign in all the campuses including Kabete, Kikuyu, among others.
There is also the need to ‘oil the wheels’ by throwing parties or buying food and drink for voters among other things. Not many women take up the challenge but a few do, meet Anastasia, Caroline and Nancy.

Anastasia Nabukenya Mirimu

Anastasia Nabukenya MirimuAnastasia, 23, is a Third Year student from Mombasa, pursuing a Bachelor of Arts degree in Economics and Sociology at the UoN.

When did you get involved in campus politics?Leadership is my passion. I was elected into the Students Organisation of University of Nairobi (Sonu) as a congress lady in charge of the Stella Awinja hostel in First Year. In Second Year, I was elected into the executive organ of the body as the secretary of health, catering and accommodation.

Who are your mentors?My mother is my pillar and greatest encourager. She has a strong personality that I took after. Tabitha Njoroge, the CEO of Women in Law and Development in Africa (Wildaf) is my other mentor. She has helped me be outspoken, assertive and a go-getter. In her campus years, Tabitha was the chairlady of Women Students Welfare Association (Woswa). She helps me deal with the ups and downs of being a student leader.
Christine Kisaka, the relationship manager at Chase Bank Riverside branch helps me balance between politics and studies by reminding me that my books should come first.

What are some of the challenges you have faced in campus politics?The major challenge was overcoming the male chauvinistic attitude. I was the only woman vying in Second Year against four men. My winning proved that women could make it in anything they put their mind to. Since then, more women have been elected.

What did you want to achieve in campus leadership?I wanted to inspire my fellow female students and young girls and show them that they can succeed in whatever they determine to do, including being leaders. I wanted them to know that leadership is not meant for men only.
Also, being the secretary-general for the Forum for Coast University of Nairobi Students (Focus), I mentor high school students.
I am also involved in the Political Leadership and Training Programme (PLDP), a joint initiative of the Youth Agenda and Citizens Coalition for the Constitutional Culture (4cs) in partnership with the Friedrich Ebert Foundation, which aims to create a new political leadership culture in Kenya. Kenyan youths with outstanding leadership qualities can participate in this training. Some of the alumni of the programme include MP Rachel Shebesh, Ann Njogu and Sophie Ngugi, the executive director of Young Women Leadership Institute (YWLI), of which I’m a member. 

Caroline Akeyo Othim Caroline, 22, is a Fourth Year Political Science and Sociology student at UoN. She is also one of the few female student leaders.

What made you get interested in campus politics?Apart from my degree course, being a prefect in Shiners High School also shaped my interest in politics. 

You are the representative of Woswa, have you held other leadership positions prior to this?I was congress lady in First Year and I vied for vice chair, academic affairs in Second Year. In April’s election, I vied for treasurer, a position I was sure to win were it not for the irregularities that led to riots and nullification of the exercise. I was later co-opted into the interim committee that took over the mandate of Sonu, but I declined the offer for personal reasons.

Who were your greatest mentors?Mrs Mary Okello, the founder and director of Makini Schools has been a mentor, a role model and a great source of support and encouragement. She has excelled in many fields and she is a woman of integrity and dignity.
My friends and family have also been there for me. 

What does campus leadership involve?The main responsibility of student leaders is to bridge the gap between students and the administration. Through the student leaders, students can present their grievances to the administration. 

What are the challenges you faced in campaigning and in office?Being a woman is a challenge because many men believe leadership is their preserve. One has to be strong and determined to rise above stereotypes and other obstacles.
Lack of money is another challenge. One needs a lot of money to campaign in all the campuses, print posters and compete with hooligans.
Ethnicity is also a challenge. 

Do you intend to pursue politics after graduating from the university?Yes, but as a career diplomat. However, if I get a chance to go for a Parliamentary position, I know I can stand up to the challenge.

What are your biggest achievements so far?Together with a few students, we have formed an organisation called Centre for Education, Empowerment and Leadership (Ceel) to spearhead girl-child education in rural Kenya. The organisation also seeks to empower women economically and to train the youth in political leadership.
I am also among the founding members of Nyanza Educational Women Initiative (Newi), which aims to mentor and motivate high school students.
There is no greater achievement in student leadership than to help students go through school smoothly.


Nancy Achieng AbiraNancy, 23, is a Fifth Year Civil Engineering student at the UoN and also a student leader.

When did you start getting involved in campus politics?I got involved in actual politics when I joined campus.

What made you vie for student leadership?The person who first got me interested in politics is my dad. He liked politics and he would read many political papers and articles.
My other political mentor, when I joined campus, was Linda Ogweno, a student leader then. She taught me a lot in the art of politics. 

What were your greatest challenges when you were a leader?Balancing between studies and leadership responsibilities has been very tough. At one point, I found myself the class representative, the school-based association official and also a member of the student council, and it was such a hectic period.
The other challenge is limited time. Sonu student leadership is only a one-year term, which is not enough to achieve much. There is discontinuity because campus politics, just like the national politics, is about the person rather than the functions.

What are the challenges you faced during the campaign period?The campaign period is very challenging, but also interesting. Making first appearances, selling policies and getting opinions was fun. The hard part comes when you have to deal with the lack of funds and the power of propaganda. It ceases to be about you and your policies.

What drove you participate in campus politics?My main goal was to work with other young women to create awareness on issues affecting the society and to be prepared for greater leadership responsibilities beyond campus.

What were your greatest achievements? As a gender affairs secretary, I was able to address many gender related problems. Being there for my fellow students, creating forums for information sharing and access to various organizations also top my success list.

What positions have you held to date?I have been class representative since 2006. In 2007 and 2008, I was at the secretariat in Sonu. In 2008 and 2009, I was Assistant Academic Secretary (ESA) and I have been Sonu gender affairs secretary since last year.

Saturday 24 December 2011

CAMP MULLAH. HIGHLY OVERRATED

OK. so i might have stalled abit on this piece on Camp mullah am doing. But i actually thought i was going to enjoy writing this article. Truth be told, i immediately started getting migraines after listening to their album. OK, so the track This party don't stop became a club anthem and an instant hit. Plus their videos are on point. I have to say this, ALL THEIR SONG SOUND THE SAME. It was such a disappointment. First with their fake accents and fake weaves (that skinny chic who sings the chorus and obviously has an eating disorder) then to their obvious lack of originality. Remixing others peoples music. Cmon guys. Paree can only be a paree with P Unit. They are the only artists dumb enough to believe that song was actually a hit. So please, do yourself a big favor. 


1. stop doing other peoples songs
2.Be versatile. The whole acoustic urban rap shit is getting really old
3.loose the guy with the specs. i don't get why he is in the group. yet he never sings. who is he anyway?
4. feed the chic. or don't put her in videos. looking at her makes me wanna throw an angry bird at her
5.Loose the fake accents. I feel like am listening to Shaka Zulu


Some of you might think that am just targeting Camp Mullah for my own personal reasons but am actually doing the opposite. You see, i can clearly see these guys have ambition. They wanna go far. They wanna be international artistes who are known worldwide. Thing is, they are going about it the wrong way. Pretending to be something you clearly are not wont give you recognition. And if it will, then maybe for the wrong reasons. Why put white chics in the video and black ones at the back? Talking with a voice that isnt yours and doing everything to dissociate yourselves from your people. Look at all the African artistes that have made it internationally. Just look at how well they represent their country. What kind of message is Camp Mullah sending out to the youth? That you have to be in a certain image in order to be accepted in the society? And what kind of image are they trying to endorse? 

Friday 18 November 2011

single and NOT searching!!!!

Being single is not anything to be ashamed about in our age! We live in a time when most relationships break up and there is no guarantee that even the best ones will last. In the meantime, there is much to enjoy in life, and singleness has a great many benefits that those couples you envy would give an arm or a leg for!

 Take charge of your reality and give up all that envy! Stop worrying about everyone else around you getting into relationships, and thinking that you need to as well. All those happy couples in movies and TV shows are the fabrications of Hollywood writers designed to sell tickets and get high TV ratings. Real couples have messy lives—they fight, leave the bathroom dirty and steal the remote from each other. Give up those unrealistic fantasies of your 'soulmate', and notice how most people around you are just regular folk - good people, but not magical heroes who fix each others' lives.

 Focus on becoming the best person you can be. Take classes, work out, grow a garden, do volunteer work, go to therapy, do whatever your heart desires. Remember that everything you do should be for you! High self confidence will attract more friends and maybe in the long run even a little romance. (Once you become the person you like, though, you may be less willing to compromise what's important for romance.) Concentrate on yourself and figure out what you like and don't like. Make plans with friends that you haven't seen in a while. Take a nice, hot bath. Read a book, or walk the dog. Take time for yourself, and don't sweat finding someone. You can't go on looking for love, love has to find you.

 Indulge yourself. Go out and get your nails done, have a spa day or get a massage. Just because you don't have someone to impress or please doesn't mean you should stop pleasing yourself. You are a strong, independent person who deserves the best. So give it to yourself!

 Play the field. Go out and have fun. Go out to clubs with your friends. Dance and flirt with others if you like. Don't be afraid to give or take phone numbers, just realize that nothing may come of it. Don't take the above advice to mean that you should go for every piece of ass out there. You have a reputation to uphold, and a promise to your body, mind and soul to take care of you. You don't need another person to make you feel special

 Realize that you are still lucky and fortunate. Many people around the world are either: chronically ill, homeless, living in poverty, starving, fleeing from warfare, and have no personal freedoms due to dictatorships. If you are depressed and think you are not lucky because you are single, think again!. People in those aforementioned conditions have it harder than you!

 Take up a new hobby! Learn guitar, join a tap class, grow a garden, write a novel, cook some gourmet meals! Whatever you've ever wanted to do, do it now. Trying something new can lead to new skills, friendships, and self esteem.

 Look in the mirror. Say things that you like about yourself. Repeat phrases to yourself such as "I am a strong, and beautiful individual" and tell your reflection that you love you. You need to know that you cannot expect others to make you happy. You are the only person who can make you happy in the end.

Become an optimist.  This is a trait that helps you whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed! Keep a gratitude diary and every night think of 3 things you are grateful for. Find the silver lining in everything throughout your day, and savor little pleasures. You'll live longer, make it through tough times more smoothly, and even avoid the common cold more often!


  • Value the things that you have, such as your creativity, your intelligence, your friends or your pet(s) as well as your newly-found independence.
  • You don't need to fake and plaster on smiles all the time if you're not truly happy. Be yourself. If it's a recent break-up it's ok to be sad... but only for a week or so. Any longer, is just not being fair to yourself or others
WARNINGS!!!

  • When flirting with others, be sure not to overdo it. Leading others on is so not attractive.
  • If you do find yourself in a new relationship make sure you're over your last relationship. It's not fair to the new person, and its certainly not fair to you.
  • Maybe your last relationship wasn't the best. Maybe they were abusive or controlling. Maybe for whatever reason, they were not treating you with the respect and decency that you deserve. Whatever the case is, don't blame yourself for the break-up. Do not shut yourself in. It's ok to be vulnerable. When the time comes that you feel ready for a relationship again, make sure you're ready. If you're still unable to open up and trust, then that's a clear sign that maybe you still aren't ready yet. That's ok. Just don't become bitter or cold. It's a risk to open up your heart and it's hard to be vulnerable and trust again. But by not doing so, you're not only depriving yourself but also depriving the other people out there who are good people and who could be potential relationships.
  •  

Friday 9 September 2011

OF MEN AND MUFFIN TOPS

Let me first start out by saying not all men hate fat women. This will save on a lot of nasty comments at the end of this article. Although there are some men that will just come right out and say it, and they don't care who hears it, most men who secretly cannot stand women who are overweight or fat, will never tell anyone. Unfortunately for them, somewhere down the road it ends up slipping out.
Yes, there are some men that proudly brag they love fat women. These are definitely the minority. The truth is most men want slim women, or at the least of an average weight and figure. I can't even count how many women I have come across that have told me, that everything was great when they first met, AKA when they were slim. Unfortunately, when they ended up putting weight on because of pregnancy, they were disabled in some way, they got older and their metabolism changed, etc., everything changed, and not for the better. In other words the secret was out!
They started to hear remarks about their weight they never heard before. Some of the men turned to pornography that not had done that before. The point is, the man they married had a secret. That secret was they hated fat women. It wasn't a problem of course as long as their woman wasn't the fat one. Believe me this happens so much more than you could ever imagine. I know your man isn't like that, right? 
If you are nice and slim and trim now, have you ever really wondered what your man would do if something happened, and all of a sudden you were overweight? I know, you're probably thinking that you man would love you no matter what. Good luck, because the truth is you never really know until it happens. It's so easy for a man to say, honey I would love you know matter what. What they are counting on, is the No Matter What, doesn't ever happen.
So, what's a girl to do? How can she avoid ending up someday with a fat hater? Well. I must say this is a tricky one, as most of them are really good at hiding it. However, what I would suggest is keeping your eyes, and ears open for any remark that may make you think he has a weighty issue with fat women. It could be something as simple as seeing an overweight woman in a restaurant and him saying that maybe that woman shouldn't be eating so much. Or a man that makes a big fuss about slim, petite women. It may be something very subtle, but it still means the same thing. You are probably not going to hear him say, oh, God look at that disgusting fat woman. That type of man would be fairly obvious from the get-go.
It's up to you if you want to move forward with a man that seems to hate fat women, but always remember, there is no guarantee that YOU won't be that woman someday. We have no crystal balls, and have no idea what challenges we may face one day. All I know is, that I want a man that wants me, not just my body. I refuse to run on a hamster wheel the rest of my life, just to make some shallow man happy!
FYI: Yes, we would all like to be in shape, and stay as healthy as possible. However, life isn't always the way we would like it to be. In the end, we all do the best we can and can only hope that the love that we have chosen, will stand by us, No Matter What!

Thursday 8 September 2011

TYPES OF MEN TO AVOID

Dating? Looking for a new relationship?
Well, have I got some great dating advice for you.


10. Men Who Are Always Pissing On Everything:

You know the type; for him nothing you do is good enough. You're too stupid, you're too fat, you're too mouthy. Well, the truth is the guy is an idiot trained from birth from his Neanderthal dad to piss all over you and everything you do. Avoid him like you would a pounding headache.


9. Men Who Are Damaged and Like It:

He's the guy that seems so sensitive and caring when you first meet. He's able to share with you the heartbreak of a broken relationship. You only find out after a few more encounters that he's still nursing a broken heart from the relationship he had with someone over ten years ago.
You slowly realize that he's not so much heartbroken but already committed to never caring about someone again. No matter how much time you spend together, you can never get through. Face it, you never will. The padding around his heart (and his skull) is so thick a neutron bomb won't pierce through it. So give up and get going. He's like a drippy faucet that slowly wears you down with false hope until you just want to smash it.




8. Men Who Love Sports Way Too Much:

There's a fine line between a great guy who loves sports and the raging maniac that loves sports way too much. How can you love sports TOO much? men would ask in befuddlement. For most women, it's obvious. A guy loves sport too much when they would rather watch a game than spend time with you.
I realize that ALL men fall into this category after several months of knowing you, but they will occasionally submit their whipped butts to taking you out or holding your purse as you shop, just to stop your fussing. But the sport fanatic won't care that the house is falling apart, that the baby is crying or that you haven't been out of the house in 4 months. All he'll want is a beer, a TV and "some peace". They are hard to tell apart from the normal healthy male but look out for the signs of obsession, or you'll be stuck watching every lame game the sports channel has to offer and feeding his burping buddies as your friends go out to dinner and to see the hottest new movie every weekend.


7. Men Who Thinks He Knows You:

 They spend all their time thinking and little time actually doing anything constructive. They have put a big label on you after one date and a night of conversation.
He's the guy who sits there watching you, with that stupid smug "I knew it" look on his hound dog face. He's clearly thinking that by putting a label on you, he has you all figured out and knows just what to do to fix you. He looks at you as if you were some broken piece of pottery he's going to glue back together.
What's sad is that he still can't figure out how to get someone to actually like him, so how is he going to fix you?

6. Men Who Are Prettier Than You:

It's one thing to date a sexy honey who looks like Brad Pitt, it's quite another story to be with someone who makes you feel like a manly cow just by standing next to him. You know the type, don't you? He's the HUNK who spends waaay to much time in the mirror.
Ladies, the secret to feeling pretty and feminine is to never date a man that's more beautiful than you and more delicate than you. So stop feeling like the turd that's drying out in the sun, and dump the whiny narcissist.


5. Men Who Think They Are Better Than You:

Have you met him? He's all about feeling superior. Nobody is good enough for him. He has a laser sharp tongue and can shred anything in sight until it lies in tatters in front of him.
This cold dead fish is unable to break into a smile for fear of splitting his face. He simply takes comfort in feeling that he is better than everybody else. After spending enough time with this guy, you will grow to despise the human race as he does, and crawl around feeling unworthy. Throw him away like you would a mold-filled potato.


4. Men Who Are Way Too Paranoid:



Something about these green-eyed goblins drives them to think you are cheating, even when you are with them.
They are the ones who seem so confident at first, flirting with you and attracted to your ability to flirt back. You date them and find they really don't like your clothes (too revealing), your car (too flashy), your friends (sluts), your family (too nosy), your job (too demanding), until you wake up one day to find the only thing you have left in your life is a miserable paranoid weird violent man who can't stand you out of his sight but can't stand the sight of you. He needs you to have nothing in your life but him, and you will have nothing unless you wake up and get out.

3. Men Who Refuse to Grow Up:

Well, my opinionated sister says that if you need to avoid all men who are children, there would be no men to date. Haha. Not funny.
I mean other than the normal guy who wants to have his ego stroked constantly and only do what he wants to do , there are those guys who really are babies. Selfish, spoiled, useless little boys who don't understand the concept of responsibility or self-respect.


These men are the ones who can't keep a job, who blame everyone else for their own stupidity and laziness, who are constantly outraged that the world is not giving them the respect they deserve. Clueless, they never realize that they are in fact, getting the respect they truly deserve. Hanging around with this type of loser is like having 10 screaming kids hanging on your legs, asking for ice cream when you can't pay for bread. Lock the doors, throw away his book of excuses and get a spine. Avoid him like you would a ...blood sucking leech.


2. Men Who Think Only With Their Sticks:

Well, as we well know, the streets to the courthouse are littered with broken marriages caused by men who think with their sticks and not their brains. They see something they want to poke and it does not matter if they have Halle Berry, Christy Brinkley or Pam Anderson, and their 2 kids, 3 dogs, and 4 fishes waiting at home. These men will do what they know they shouldn't do, go get the forbidden poke.
It does not matter that you are the hottest thing since freshly baked pie, a man like this is going to give you a few diseases and mess up publicly right when you are being voted "Happiest Couple" at the Lodge. You know he's the type to cheat as that's how you got him from his first wife. Know that you got a weasel in your arms, and throw him away before he puts you on the front pages of the daily newspaper for murder


1.NIGERIAN MEN

Simply put, there are certain men who are monsters hiding behind a thin veneer of charm and sanity.
There is nothing in the world as ugly or as damaging as a Nigerian man. For some reason, there are men out there who take only joy in seeing someone in pain (I don't mean like in a dull headache kind of pain - I mean like a big kick in the nuts pain).
People say that it's a power thing, but I know it's a sickness thing. It's sick to be you if you are with someone like him.
Don't be distracted by the sexy grin or the bulging pecs (or bulging other stuff) on the outside. Look at the inside. Fire is beautiful but it hurts when you get burned. Stay away from these creeps as if your life depended on it, as it surely does.


I hope everyone is satisfied now that I have fully shared my years of wisdom with both the men and women in the world who need some real advice about dating and relationships.


Can we now stop the name calling? I am not a sexist pig. I like to think of myself more as an astute observer who realizes that all men are royal pains in the @$$.

THE GRASS WILL GROW.

Heartbreak is more than just an emotional defeat; to some the pain is very real. At one point or another, everyone must experience this mind numbing feeling (unless you confine yourself to a house and never interact with even a pet) but that's not the norm and you're probably not reading this article if you've had that kind of sheltered life.

it can be caused by many different circumstances and that's what makes this emotion easily recognized by nearly every person on the planet. It can result from the loss of a loved one, a partner, a friend and even a close pet. Or it can be caused from disappointment, betrayal or a change from known surroundings. It might not even be a loss at all but a sense of loss, or the realization that the love of the person you care most for is drifting far from where it had always been.

Love, in the same perspective as heartbreak, neither has a corrective definition nor specific amplitude implied by the physical word itself. There's a never-ending limit to the definition of love because there are so many things we love and in many different ways. There's friendship love, love for animals and possessions, love for music or hey, even food. Then there's that kind of  love that is so overwhelming perfect, passionate and meaningful, a love that you have never before been able to achieve. This is the love we're going to be talking about throughout this article, but before we can continue on, we must first understand why we as humans are constantly searching to fulfill this emotion.

A part of the desire comes from what we find most joyful in life. If you search for this answer, and look upon previous actions objectively, it's simple to say that we are satisfied by making others happy. We receive complete satisfaction from doing things for others, and this feeling increases with the intensity of love we feel towards that specific person or thing.  When you lose someone you love, you have lost the sense of purpose acquired by the relationship between them and yourself. You lose the purpose you felt when doing simple things to make them smile, and making yourself joyful in return. The cycle should continue endlessly, but as we know that could only occur in a perfect world, which this is not. Heartbreak happens, and it changes who we are for the better (in most cases) and so will it be for the rest of our lives and next.

"We of course equate the pain of loss to the intensity of the love, but that is not what is behind the pain. The more you love and feel loved, the greater the increase of your sense of purpose because when you do something for just anyone and they do not appreciate it; your sense of purpose is not completely satisfied. It requires seeing who you are helping, and their appreciation to make it complete


Continuous searching comes from our need not only to self imply a purpose of being, but also to find the "one" that will make us feel needed, appreciated, and most importantly, well,  loved. We act in some silly ways just to be able to have a someone that we can call our own. We act crazy, we do stupid things, and we make regrettable mistakes, but hey, that's just falling in love. We start picturing the rest of days together, share every ounce of pointless information we can recall, and create a bond greater than ever perceived, all before a thought of those three little words comes to mind.



THE PHYSICALL PAIN
Anyone who's ever gone through the emotional pain of a heartbreak more often than not can express the experience through the form of some type of physical pain. Emotions affect physical health in more ways than many realize, but how does the body physically feel the emotional loss; in other words, what is it that brings pain to the heartbreak?

"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."

The depression caused by heartbreak creates a barrier that can prevent us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest, in all aspects. Symptoms vary by individual and range from withdrawal from society to
physical sickness and pain. You lose a part of yourself when connections are lost, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There's an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies longing for the past. The pain is real and there's no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartbreak. Its a longing for the past and the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned. It makes it hard to get up in the morning and to get through the day, but all wounds are inevitably healed through time, and thus you hope for the future to approach quicker.

Although most pain of heartbreak is not that severe, it still has a profound effect on daily living. Symptoms of breakup might include loss of appetite, insomnia,  headaches, stomachaches, nausea, a ton of tears, occasional nightmares, alcohol/substance abuse,  depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, loss of interest, fatigue, loneliness and hopelessness.

The Stages of Heartbreak:
Someone who is dealing with heartbreak follows patterns similar to those of the stages of death

1.Shock and Denial- you may deny the reality of the situation; this provides emotional protection from feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The shock of loss allows a state of emptiness to move in, clouding most judgment. 

2.Pain and Guilt-after the shock wears off it becomes replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. Regret for things you did wrong, or things that you weren’t able to do with this person adds to further tears. Life feels chaotic during this time, and its best to openly discuss feelings and stray from bottling up your emotions

3. Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.

4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness- like everyone else in this situation, a period of sadness clouds and
absorb your entire sense of being, leaving feelings of emptiness. This feeling occurs when you finally realize and accept the magnitude of your loss. Isolation from people is exceedingly normal, and offers a time to reflect on the past.

5. Acceptance and an Upward Turn- The feelings of depression lift slightly and life becomes possible to survive without that person so deeply intertwined with each activity. The days are a little easier to shuffle through, and you see the possibility of continuation. The reality of the situation is fully accepted and, although happiness may not return for some time, the ability to move forward has occurred.


How to Mend A Broken Heart
The best thing for a broken heart is to be patient and allow time to settle all unresolved feelings. Talking about your feelings with friends or family help to smooth the passage of the loss, as will allowing yourself time to reflect on all feelings and answer questions you may have for yourself.  Keeping busy with hobbies you're passionate about and trying new things also keeps your mind busy during hard times. Get a group of friends together and watch a movie, or if you're more to yourself, try a quiet walk through a forest or even around the neighborhood. Give yourself time, and do things that make you happy. You are your own best friend and it's important that you accept who you are and like who you are as a person before you expect anyone else to.

We cannot describe the pain of breakup someone we need we love we care for, but the best treatment is keep in patience, the most important thing is accepting the situation. Yea there is something good behind of it. my heart was broken few times. I know i never did anything wrong with them. what i did is i gave my heart to them i treated kindly lovingly with them but instead of being honest with me they did breakup for some reason. I have nothing else to do than accepting the condition. I never dishonest with anyone. Sometimes i feel this test is too much for me. I used beg after them to be honest with me. we better to not to do anything that we can regret later. be calm be silent go through with time. don't call them don't beg after them be kind with yourself learn to live for you not for them. COZ GRASS WILL GROW

Wednesday 24 August 2011

OUR DEAR KENYAN MEN

Kikuyu Men
The Kikuyu man walks eats and dream more plots, matatus and company shares. The ambitious and hard-working nature of these men dates back to the Wangu wa Makeri era. You are on your own after they give you a 'mugunda' a plot.
And most people must have heard the joke about the Kamau's coming for your hard-earned money in the middle of the night. All the vices such as muggings, carjackings etc are believed to be their preserve.
It does not matter how far the economic ladder a Kikuyu man is, he will always some "deals" in the name of business. Often these deals will be hatched and sealed in a smoke-filled bar. But if you think he will have extra money to take you to some posh place, forget it. They are said to be so stingy that they believe leisure and expensive food is for fools.
A typical Kikuyu man's luxury car is a pick-up, and he believes you relax in the countryside weeding your shamba, not frolicking on the beach in Mombasa. Because of this, women think they are unromantic and dull. Their perfect date is taking a woman to dance to Mugithi while you eat nyama choma and mutura.
They also love moving in cliques and speaking their mother tongue everywhere even if you, a non-Kikuyu does not understand their language.
Women say Kikuyu men assume that all light-skinned women are from their tribe. So they will talk to you in their mother tongue. If you express displeasure, they will sneer and tell you "wacha kujiringa!"
Then they are known to have parallel families. Word has it that a Kikuyu man will not marry a second wife, but will have mistress or two tucked away somewhere. It is only when he dies, that the other family surfaces. The joke is that, your kids and those of the mistress will have been born at the same time. If you have four children, she will also have her four. If you are thinking of ignoring the mother-in-law, then steer clear of this man. Kikuyu men are mama's boys. So the way to his heart, is through his mother.
They are also said to be poor dressers and lack refined mannerisms. A must-have in every Kikuyu man's wardrobe includes Savco and Freezer jeans preferably brown, Chicago Bulls T-shirts, North star sneakers and an oversized leather jacket.

Kamba Men
Like their women, Kamba men are said to be athletes of sorts. Kamba men are born and bred to follow instructions. Starting from their mothers to their employers. For this reason, they make perfect domestic workers and messengers.
They are dismissed as being clueless about their future, their only ambition being to work in the army or at least get related to someone in the army through marriage. Kamba men have small features, which people say is because of the persistent droughts in their motherland. But if you were thinking that this would give you express liberty to be unfaithful, then forget it, they make jealous spouses and can be extremely possessive.

Coastal Men
Coastal men are said to be smooth talkers but lazy to the bone. For any hard labor, look for a 'mtu wa bara.' With their mastery of the Kiswahili language, they can even talk Osama from his hideout.
They are the classic example of what a gentleman is supposed to be. With their use of flattery, and their love for speaking in low, husky tones, many women confess to being transfixed to the Swahili man. But in the words of one lady, "they talk too much; like they have swallowed a tape."
The Taita are most humble. They fancy cooking mouth-watering dishes for their women. However, their Swahili counterparts are said to love living off the sweat of their women. And they are betrothed from birth.

Luo Men
Luo men are said to be romantic lovers and big spenders when they have the money. Whether it's shopping in Dubai, being taken to posh restaurants or flying you off to some exciting location, the man to give you a good time is a Luo man.
Women are unanimous that these men from the lake will treat a lady like a queen, but only as long as a lighter complexioned woman does not emerge on the scene because then you will immediately be past tense
No wonder all Luo songs sing of 'kalando' (the brown one.) Bar room chat is rife on the suave flamboyance and extravagance of a Luo man. For this man, tomorrow is a long way off. Life must be lived to the fullest today.
Spending all his money on a cool Mercedes and parking it outside a grass-thatched hut in the village means nothing to this man. The important thing is to be seen driving the car. When it comes to courtship a Luo man will not stammer in shyness when he approaches the woman he wants to be acquainted with and will not bat an eyelid when promising a non-existent heaven. He will insist on speaking to you in English because he cannot converse in Kiswahili.
They dress in flashy, expensive suits, shoes and ties. They will talk about their attractive young wife, the last trip overseas, the expensive car, furniture, electronics and mobile phones that they own. Listen to Poxi Presha's 'Otonglo time' and the famous "Do I say line" will tell you everything you want to know.
Many Luo men from the older generation love old Lingala music and football. The younger ones love cricket and rugby. Cricket because it is still a mystery to many Kenyans and rugby because of the macho image.
It does not matter how vast your experience or how much wealth you have, without a degree, you are nobody. Count the number of professors from this tribe at any of our universities and you will know what I'm talking about.
But despite all this, a Luo man will not think of investing his money in anything substantive. Women from other tribes believe that even if he marries a non-Luo, this man will eventually marry from his tribe.

Luhya Men
Though hard-working especially manually, Luhya men are said to be very content with what they have. Their rivals say this is lack of ambition.
That is why the shamba boys, watchmen and cooks joke comes from. Those in the know say the Ingoho (chicken) men are intimidated by the modern woman. They'd rather marry a girl from the village who is happy to stay-at-home. But if you get married to the man, be ready to take care of his children from his teenage days to date.
Luhya men never leave their children behind. In addition, you will always have a full house. These men have many dependants. So start by investing inmany utensils and big sufurias.
Unlike many men, you can always tell if a Luhya man is unfaithful. If he has not brought home a child from an illicit affair in five years, then relax, the man is an angel. And if you do not want to have a live-in mother-in-law, learn to cook ugali and mrenda before you marry this man.
If you cook him rice or githeri for supper, he will still be waiting for dinner. The one about Luhyas and their addiction to salaams clubs and small portable radios is an old cliché now.

Kalenjin Men
If you are looking for a generous man then look no further than a Kalenjin man will be elated to spend his money on any lady and her extended family.
For them, expensive is best. The joke doing the rounds is that if a Kalenjin man takes a lady shopping, he will beseech her to select the most expensive dress in the shop. They are also said to be very cold and remote.
They always manage to look vague when so much is happening around them. But this does not hinder them from the desire to date classy women.It is said that Kalenjin men have misplaced priorities.
They will build a stone house for the combine harvester and the cows and surround their homes
with beautiful fences while their houses are grass-thatched and mud-walled. Kalenjin men do not carry their spouses to town.
They leave them in the rural home to look after the shamba. Kaunda suits, preferably a maroon one and a cardigan worn with a suit is a must-have for any self-respecting Kalenjin man.
Men from the Kipsigis sub-tribe are reputed to be quite handsome.

Maasai Men
Maasai men are said to be fierce, courageous but unreasonable. You do not argue with one because you will provoke him to a feud.
A Maasai man will do anything to marry a beautiful woman. However, to them, wives are lower in rung than children. You will find them playing ajua the whole day as they await the return of
their wives and children from grazing the cattle. For a Maasai man, serious business is getting an extra wife year after year.

Kisii Men
The description "tall, dark and handsome," applies to the Kisii man. They are also known to be charming when the fiery tempers take a back seat.
But like all gorgeous men, they several other women on the side apart from you. They are said to be so emotional that they will cry as they are beating you up.

Meru Men
For a die-hard Meru man, it is against taboo to enter the kitchen. He would rather starve to death than enter this domain, which he believes to be strictly a woman's.
A Meru man's temper is unmistakable. If you dare to provoke him, he will very easily smash you to pieces. No matter how well exposed or versed in the Queen's English he is, the Meru accent will never go away.
They have an attitude problem and take everything personally. They are also said to be quite bossy in a relationship. What he says goes


OK. now i have to go. machachari has started

ANALYSIS OF KENYAN WOMEN

Kikuyu women
Everyone has heard the one about Kikuyu women. How they plait their hair, read a novel or knit and placidly inform their partners to cover them when they are through with their business.
If one day you return home to find an empty house and your children gone, then you are in the groove with a Kikuyu. They are known to be "packers". They will pack and go with the children and furniture after 40 years of hard labour on a marriage.
A common saying goes "A Kikuyu woman will treat you like a king as long as you have cash, but toss you like rotten mutura (traditional sausage) once you are broke."

Cynics say
Kiambu women are so materialistic they will kill their marriages to enjoy the wealth alone. One Kikuyu lady coined the following phrases to her defence, "I would rather cry on a Mercedes than laugh on a bicycle. "Money is not everything it is the only thing."
But Lydia Wambui comes to her sisters' defence. "Everyone loves money. You cannot go to your landlord or the headmaster at your children's school and say, 'we are in love, please understand us for not paying.' Love is no substitute for money."
Wags also poke fun at the culinary skills of Kikuyu women. They will mix rice, arrow roots, sukumawiki, potatoes, githeri and all imaginable ingredients in one pot. Their men have to always sneak out to enjoy nyama choma or chapati in a smoke-filled joint on their own.
They say all women are said to be schemers but the Kikuyu have perfected it to an art. On the first date, they have you all sized up. Wallet size, level of education, future ambitions. So by the second date, you will be paying their rent.
The Nyeri ones are fabled to be harsh and authoritative. If you have the bad fortune of marrying one, chances of being her punching bag are inevitable. They are the Thatchers of Wahome Mutahi fame.
Rivals in love will also dismiss them on account of their figures. Below five inches in height, light complexioned, round pretty face with long lovely hair, oversized chests, voluminous hands, flabby waist lines, ironed out behind, vertical hips all suspended on hockey-sticks-like legs.
They are known to have an undying thirst for white shoes.
Yet even their hottest critics acknowledge that they are so hard-working and organised that their men only come home in the evening to collect cash for their drinking sprees.

Kamba Women

The myth of the sex athlete goes back a long way. Kamba women are known to be a force to reckon with. That is why they are hot material for barmaids. By the time she is 30, she in total control. It is said that they are given a thorough briefing by their aunts and grandmothers as part of their initiation rituals.
And yes, many of these women are unbelievably stunning in looks. She gives you a killer smile, giggles knowingly, and you want to marry her there and then.
So why do Kamba women marry in the military? Army men's weddings are full of glamour and endless feasts. They also love celebrity.
However, for them, serious business is popping up juniors year after year.
And if you want to feed numerous dependants, then marry a Kamba. By your third date, her cousins, grandparents, sister's boyfriend......are on your miserable payroll.
And of course there's the joke about colours clashing. You know, a mix of screaming orange and luminous green is a God sent match for them.

Coastal women

A police friend once informed me that their officers are given a firm warning when they get transfers to the Coast. You will need all your wit and guile to resist the coconut women. Love potions come in handy. Once the man is fixed with it, he is transfixed to her for life. You are her boi (boy) eternally.
Critics say these women are so idle that they spend the whole day applying henna all over their bodies, prepare elaborate weddings and cook biryani the whole day as they gossip.
Stories have it that these women are well coached in the art of pleasing their husbands. No one understands better that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach - chapatis and pilau (which they are experts in making) do the job.
On the looks department they are endowed with dashing looks and mellow voices.

The
Taita are said to make exemplary, humble wives. But when they make up their minds that a relationship is headed for doom, they are known to vanish back to their parent's faster than you can say 'mdavida'.

Luo women

Lakeside women are said to stick to their men like glue as long as they suspect love is in the air. But don't you dare look at another woman! If you do, she will have you and the other woman by the neck.
They are in love with first impressions. You have to have class. If you wear moccasins on the first date and drive a pick-up, she will dump you like rotten fruit.
And you better talk English (never Kiswahili) with a rounded twang. Big words (especially the ones she does not understand) make a lifelong impact. And the restaurant better be classy, not necessarily expensive.
If you fulfil all these, by the tenth date, you will spot her clothes in your wardrobe. She has moved in.
Luo women are prided to have "drop dead gorgeous" bodies - with 'Adhiambo sianda' being their brand name. True African figures, they say.
They are also known to be good cooks and bewitching lovers.

Luhya

These women are known to be modest and to have austerity. They cannot stand extravagance. A Luhya woman would rather stay at home and drink numerous cups of tea than have you take her for an expensive dinner.
But as long as there is constant supply of ugali and Ingoho (chicken), she is yours for keeps.
Then they are known to be in the business of making children. If she is not breast-feeding, she is pregnant.
The internet caricature paints her as a being born-again, and forever busy. She is the village chairperson, treasurer of your kids kindergarten PTA, secretary of the women merry-go-round, weaves baskets in addition to being out every night for church Keshas.
And if you are thinking of meeting the boys over a Tusker .....then this is the wrong type. Luhya ladies are protective. And with their strong physiques, you would rather follow mummy's advice than have your bones broken.
Curly kitted hair is their distinctive look. They love it so much that every Luhya woman who prides herself as having a distinguished style will have her hair roasted for this look.

Kalenjin

My colleague informs me, that if you are bombarded with unsolicited information about her many prominent and rich relatives in the previous government, right after the first kiss, then you have nabbed a Kalenjin lady.
Promise a Kalenjin woman marriage and she is yours for keeps. If you play your cards right then you can take her home on the second date. Strictly missionary.
They are agreeable and submissive, but rather like their alcohol. Nagging they are not but their tempers are legendary so why do they say if you come home after three days, smelling of a strange perfume and with red lipstick all over your white shirt, a kalenji woman will not utter a word?
If they discover their man is unfaithful, they will kill themselves and drown the children.
Kalenjins like to joke that Nandi women are lazy, Tugen are rude and the Marakwet violent.

Maasai

Maasai women are unquestionably obedient. They will never dream of correcting their menfolk. They still view their husbands as "lord of the house"
People believe Masaai men are still glued to the custom of planting spears outside their age group member's manyattas to warn the husband that serious business is taking place inside the manyatta. Their wommmen toil like oxen. They build the manyattas, graze the cattle, cook, farm in addition to rearing children.
They are also generous with their husbands. Even if their husband married the 7th wife in three years, they will not object. In fact they encourage their spouses to marry - you know, to share the work.
They can be astoundingly beautiful.

Meru

If you are head over heels in love with a woman and is sure she loves you secretly, but she is playing hard to get by the 30th date, then you have struck a Meru.
Bar room talk has the Meru woman so faithful and agreeable that they will fight divorce to the bitter end. They are traditional and remote, with the village never coming out of them.
Like their men, they are reputed to be hot tempered and can shred you to pieces if you cross their path.
In the looks department, a Meru woman will hold her own against any beauty queen.

Kisii Women

Once a Kisii woman has it in her head that you make her world rock, then you have a lifelong attachment. She will never leave, even if you hire ten bulldozers to evict her from your house.
Thy are also well known for their fiery tempers. Recent cases in the media about battered husbands involved Kisii women.
As for money, they are the reverse of Kikuyus - money and posh cars do not impress them much. And when it comes to dressing? Those in the know say their dress sense is not the most impressive